Mom is ‘viscerally exciting,’ but has trouble keeping friends, jobs and apartments

"The down side of this is that my sister gets fired from jobs all of the time; she can’t keep apartments. She can’t keep a boyfriend. She made a joke that if she ever gets married, she won’t have any friends to be her bridesmaids except for me and her best friend Jesse."

Here is an excerpt of Aunt Brie's blog post from September 19, 2013:

A 24-Hour A Day Party

September 19, 2013

"In comparison to many of my family members, I walk pretty steadily on the side of sanity. But in comparison to the rest of the world — the people who succeed at their jobs, the people who sleep well, the people who don’t constantly share their personal lives on the Internet, the people who never offend anyone, the people who never get crazy angry emails from publicists or artists saying things like, “you’re a misogynist idiot bitch” after writing what they thought was a fairly nice review, the people who never make factual mistakes, the people who get invited to parties, the people who go to parties and make nice chit chat and then are able to use their networking skills to fucking succeed at life — I am bonkers fucking nuts.

I hate myself; I have no sense of myself. I can’t figure out if I want to be your favorite television show, or whatever the opposite of your favorite television show is, which is probably “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” I want you to not be able to turn me off, but I also want you to love me. I can’t stand the feeling of failing or being disliked.

My sister is a 24-hour party. All you have to do is sit down next to her, and she takes you along for a wild ride. Like, for instance, on her birthday, I took her out to dinner. Normally, when I go out to dinner, even with Caleb, I have like an hour-long panic threshold, and then I feel like I am going to die of claustrophobia. But my sister was sitting there, with her new fake tits, shaking the Tinder app on her iPhone, talking about her dating life, and before I knew it, three hours had gone by. She is by far the person the funniest person I have ever met — being around her is so viscerally exciting that sometimes you actually fear for your life.

The down side of this is that my sister gets fired from jobs all of the time; she can’t keep apartments. She can’t keep a boyfriend. She made a joke that if she ever gets married, she won’t have any friends to be her bridesmaids except for me and her best friend Jesse, who is 60 pounds overweight (no offense Jesse) and only leaves his father’s penthouse on the Upper East Side if he runs out of food. That last sentence was offensive to Jesse, and I can’t help myself from writing it."

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